October 15th marks the International Day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss, a topic still very much taboo for families who have lost their baby during pregnancy, childbirth, or a few days after birth. Grieving this loss is painful, and emotional and psychological support is crucial to finding a way out of the tunnel.
Today, we bring you a series of tips for those who have experienced this kind of tragedy or, alternatively, for friends who may have a family member or acquaintance going through grief, so they can provide emotional support. At Ovoclinic, we want to remind you that hope is the last thing to be lost and that there is always a way forward.
Stages of Grief
Before diving into the recommendations, it’s important to recognize which stage of grief the person is in, although it doesn’t follow an exact rule, and each person may handle it differently. This journey, filled with ups and downs and emotional clashes, has been divided by experts into six stages:
- Shock: This is the reaction to the tragic news. The person in this stage often displays disbelief and may even seem disconnected from reality, thinking it’s not real.
- Denial: Linked to the previous stage, this process involves continuous denial. The person tries to convince themselves that nothing has happened or that it was a medical mistake.
- Anger: When the person understands that, unfortunately, this has happened to them, they begin to express their sadness towards themselves and the rest of the world. Overwhelmed by the injustice and helplessness, this is a phase where emotions continuously overrule rationality.
- Bargaining: After the anger subsides, it is common for the person to make promises to a higher power in the hope of reversing the situation.
- Sadness: The hardest stage of grief. Here, reality has fully set in, and the pain is most manifest. Nostalgia and melancholy take a toll on the person, who will feel drained of energy until the end of the process.
- Acceptance: Although many think that the grieving person is “okay” at this stage, what happens is commonly referred to as “moving on.” They accept what has happened and look for ways to move forward.
Don’t Hesitate to Help That Person
Here are some guidelines for those with a friend or family member grieving a gestational loss.
- Normalize their emotions: Don’t prevent them from crying or being sad. Phrases like “getting angry won’t help” can hurt their feelings, and it’s essential to practice empathy.
- Let them keep a memento: It can be positive for parents to keep an item that reminds them of their baby, or even to call the baby by name when talking about them, as this can help them navigate the grief more optimistically.
- Painful situations help: If parents want to enter their baby’s room or handle their belongings, don’t stop them. This contact with reality will help them gradually come to terms with the situation.
- The father suffers too: Even though it is the mother who carries the pregnancy, the father also envisions a family life. In cases of same-sex couples with two mothers, it is essential that the non-birthing mother receives the same support from her close circle to avoid feeling left out.
- Professional help: Although it’s another social taboo, encouraging parents to see a professional psychologist can often have positive effects. At Ovoclinic, we have Natalia Nogal, a coach specializing in fertility, who provides emotional support to people experiencing difficulties during pregnancy.
There’s Always Light at the End of the Tunnel
After suffering two gestational losses, Ariana (pseudonym used for privacy) found joy when, on the third attempt, she fulfilled her dream of becoming a mother. However, the road to that moment of happiness was filled with challenges.
“Suffering through this was very hard… You have a feeling of emptiness and sadness that’s difficult to explain. I remember that, when I was pregnant and home alone, I felt accompanied and happy. Once the baby wasn’t there anymore, you return home, and that presence is gone. It’s tough, but I remember that feeling,” she shares with Ovoclinic.
“I spent many days feeling sad, lying in bed, not wanting to talk to anyone. What helped me the most was being allowed to do that. My partner at the time let me be in my sadness and grief. I appreciated that so much. Maybe someone else would think it’s better to go for a walk or sit at the table for a meal, but I was thankful to be left alone. He would bring me breakfast and lunch in bed until I had the strength to get up”, she recalls.
A true story that highlights Ariana’s resilience, who, despite experiencing one of the greatest possible setbacks, managed to fulfill her dream. Today, she is happy with her daughter, and those years of sadness and disappointment are behind her, giving way to the best stage of her life.
